The one I used to be

I used to be a wife
A good wife, I used to think
Doing all the things a good wife would do.
Being pretty, and sexual and true.
I was the good wife of the man I loved
A good man, I used to think
Doing all the things a good man would do.

Then, one morning, I saw myself
Not good enough, I used to think
Doing all of the things a bad wife would do.
Lying and cheating and blaming too.
Feeling guilty.
I was the bad wife of the man who left.

I used to be a daughter
A good daughter, I used to think
Doing all of the things a good daughter would do.
I was the good daughter of my mother
A good mother, I used to think
Doing all of the things a good mother would do.

Only one night, I saw myself
Not good enough, I used to think
Doing all of the things a bad daughter would do.
Not being there near my mother's death bed.
Feeling guilty.
A bad daughter of the mother who died.

I used to be a mother
A good mother, I used to think.
Doing all the good things a mother would do,
Mothering with sacrifice.
I was the good mother to the children I bore
The children I birthed and nurtured.

Until one day, I saw myself
A bad mother, I used to think
Doing all of the things a bad mother would do.
Being self centred, and angry and overwhelmed.
Feeling guilty.
A bad mother to the children who cried.

I used to be a person,
A good person, I used to think.
Doing all of the things a good person would do,
Meditating, eating healthy, helping the poor.
I was the good person to everyone else but me,
The one yearning for love.

Once upon a December I saw myself
A bad person, I used to think.
Doing all of the things a bad person would do,
Smoking, and drinking, drifting away in despair.
Feeing guilty.
A bad person to the one that needed me the most.

Tonight I see myself,
As the sum of all I used to be.
Doing all the things I expect of me
My duty, my burden my responsibility
Feeling the fear, the guilt, the ecstasy
All in one
But also beyond, I see me
Fearless, forgiving, whole and holy.

I hope that tomorrow I'll be who I am
A human being.
A wild woman.
A free spirit.
Doing all of the things a free spirit would do.
Climbing, and howling and breathing too.
Feeling loved.
Loving.
Sharing her gift to the whole wide world.
Her husband.
Her children.
Her family.
Her self.
Her mankind.
Her planet.
Her source.