Fiecare cu ale sale

Nu judecata ta ma doare

Nu fuga, nu dispretul, nu minciuna

Doar el, cuvantul, e al tau

Al meu e soarele, a mea e luna

Nu detasarea ta ma doare,

Nu pumnul, nu somnul, nu raceala

Doar el, orgoliul, e al tau

Al meu e vantul, a mea este tarana

Nu nebunia ta ma doare,

Nu frica, nu psihoza, nu mania,

Doar el, trecutul, e al tau

Al meu e focul, a mea este lumina.

Nu bucuria ta ma doare,

Nu dansul, nu zambetul, nu pacea

Doar el, avantul, e al tau

Al meu e cantecul, a mea e marea.

Nu despartirea ta ma doare,

Nu abandonul, nu razboiul,

Doar el, doar numele-i al tau

Durerea este a mea, al meu puroiul.

The untitled one

I saw myself in you. I saw you too. No need to speak, really.

I gazed and I gazed till there was nothing left but love.

I called back my army of un-forgiveness.

Retreat.

Regroup.

Rewind.

Be careful where you step, though. You are walking on broken heart.

Removing the last piece from your heel, you smiled and said:

Goodbye.

March 15, 2014

The apartment

I visited the apartment today

To see just how my dreams would fit

Measuring the walls to weigh

O home without you in it.

I pictured it, the life to come

A lazy Sunday night

The girls are dancing, having fun

As I switch off the light.

I pictured dinner on the plates

And pictures on the walls

Their little toys, their bikes and skates

My books, my clothes and shawls.

I got so sad on my way back

From Liberation Street

Thinking about those things I’ll lack

The garden, tub and window seat.

It wasn’t any of those things

That made me crawl inside

As you prepared to spread your wings

Misguided by your pride.

It was the dream I left behind

The dream of you and I,

It was that gravestone in my mind

The one that read ‘goodbye’.

Remember to forget (each and every time but this time)

Each and every time you’ve laid down your weapons,

I stood by your sword and I waited,

I swore by my word

To open up this heart to you.

Each time you rose from your ashes

And reclaimed your sword,

I begged and I cried, please help me my Lord

To close down this heart from you.

Each time your blade of truth

Struck deep in the core of all my lies

I swore, never again

To open this heart to any man.

‘Never mind the story, remember to forget’, you said,

Standing in the doorway of my soul,

Reaching out your hand,

Breaking me open in your embrace.

This time, the choice was clear

There was nothing left to do but surrender

To the alchemy of our tears

And let everything be transformed.

Anger into peace

Resentment into gratitude

Pride into compassion

Grief into joy.

Weakness into power

Recklessness into wisdom

Fear into trust

Shame into ecstasy.

Un-forgiveness into love

Prison into freedom

Words into silence

My curse into my blessing.

And so, I honor the blessed moment I met you,

This time, as for the first time,

I see you, I receive you, I thank you, I love you, I set you free,

My love.

Have I ever?

Have I ever allowed myself to surrender

To feel pleasure and bliss within every cell of my body?

Have I ever opened my heart so wide

To melt away all of my fears and bitterness carefully stored and restored?

Have I ever told myself the truth

About my weakness, my boundaries, my anger?

Have I ever really seen myself

Beyond the reflection of what you see in me?

Have I ever held you so close to me

That you could see inside of me and inhabit my core?

Have I ever shown you my essence

To pour in your heart my sweet nectar of love for no stake at all?

Have I ever faced the darkest part of me,

The assailer in my psyche, the stalker of beauty and light?

Have I ever dared to stick a knife in his chest

To watch him bleed out his poison and burry him back to the ground?

Have I ever sang my song out loud,

Write it, paint it, dance it, drum it, dream it out into reality?

Have I ever told my bigger and braver story,

The one about the strong and beautiful woman who rose from her own ashes?

I may have, on some occasions, stumbled upon myself

Tripped into knowingness, bled my heart wide open.

I may have fallen down in despair at times

Only to find a glimpse of truth on the bottom of the pit.

But I have always, always requested of you to reflect my beauty

The same one I could never see on purpose.

I have asked of you to love me unconditionally

To never leave, to offer pleasure, to embrace my dark, to see my light.

How have I ever been so blinded by my own hypocrisy,

To ask of you that which I could not offer in return?

There is peace in knowing that it is not who I am, but the woman I used to be

She did the best she could and she deserves my love and gratitude.

And so do you.

Thank you.

Reverie

This tree is not my tree

We passed some time together

In the garden

Had some tea

We shared silence

Reverie

He does not belong to me.

I had all my guests to see

He had his

A crow, a bee

I beard my burdens

With a sigh

And he beard his

So gracefully.

I laid down rocks

From by the sea

I sang my story

Feeling free

I rocked my babies

In his swing

Indulged his perfect offering.

I chained my heart, buried the key

Out in the garden

By a tree

I tried so hard

To plant my roots

To build my fences

On my knee.

I soon forgot

How to be me

And blamed my man

My kids

My tree

I blamed my god

And I blamed me.

This house is not my house

I see

This land does not belong to me

This man is not my man

He’s free

Neither our children

Only me.

Wave rider

Wave rider, they call me,

Little do they know

It is not my whisper,

Not my wind to blow

Nor my thought that moves it,

I can’t even swim

I’m just slowly drowning

No one hears my scream.

I can see the lighthouse

And the house of love

I can hear you knocking

At the kitchen door.

But the house is empty

All the lights are out

There is only darkness

Deep inside my heart.

So I light a fire

For the one who knows

She is my companion

While I decompose.

She spits into my fire

She rips off my clothes

Splits my chest wide open

In my heart she blows.

‘Wave rider’, she’s singing

As I loose my breath

‘Rise in love, my darling

There is life in death’.

Good night, my love

Nothingness crawling under my skin

I don’t know how to let myself be seen

Oh, come back, come back, it’s getting darker in.

Breath in, choke not in the feathers of your wings

Some butter toast and ordinary things

Breathe out again, the long night of the soul begins.

Good night, my love! 

Regina de pica

Strang randurile in jurul meu, unul cate unul,

zidurile de aparare ale cetatii mele.

regina regatului meu.

sapand transee in jurul tristetii,

umplandu-le cu suc propriu.

lacrimi. transpiratie. saliva. sange din suflet.

ma sui in cel mai inalt turn

privind totul de la distanta.

flancul stang cutreierat de stafii.

flancul drept gata de atac.

Ce apar la urma urmei?

impotriva cui toate aceste ziduri?

cu cine ma lupt?

de cine ma ascund?

pe cine am inchis in turn?

Imi apar teritoriul.

imi recunosc granitele.

fug de umbra mea.

o incui in turn impreuna cu puterea mea.

imi inchid inima.

imi cultiv frica.

imi infig ghearele adanc in celalat si il numesc 'al meu'.

Din cand in cand slabesc stransoarea,

umbra se elibereaza.

stafiile pandesc.

celalalt simte.

incepe sa ma vada asa cum sunt.

regina de pica.

si incepe sa se departeze.

nu, nu ma poate iubi asa acum sunt.

cum ar putea?

sunt respingatoare, nevrednica. nedemna.

eu, cea din randurile de jos.

Poate si celalalt, privind din turnul sau,

inconjurat de propriile stafii, se teme si el.  

atat de tare, ca intr-o buna zi capituleaza.

si zidurile se darama.

randurile se rup.

turnul cade.

santurile sunt drenate.

pamantul se clatina.

trupele se retrag.

stafiile se imprastie.

inimile se frang.

regatul se destrama.

regina abdica.

Totul se petrece lent in fata ochilor uimiti,

prea buimaci sa inteleaga inca ceea e vad.

scuturile se coboara unul cate unul

pana nu mai ramane nimic de aparat.

ranile supureaza una cate cate una

pana ce ultima picatura de otrava s-a evaporat.

Atunci, abia atunci pot vedea nimicul din mine,

cel din care am fost plamadita.

cel peste care mi-am construit imperiul.

ma predau nimicului.

si disperarea dispare.

iar ce ramane, ma lasa muta.

doar iubire.

pura si simpla.

fara de gheare. fara de asteptari. fara de temeri. fara de obiect.

Imi dau seama atunci ca asta e ceea ce sunt.

tot ceea ce am negat.

celalat nu a fost decat o oglinda. 

ma odihnesc pentru o vreme. in tacere. 

din cand apare intrebarea.

care a fost rostul?

‘whatever the question, the answer is always love.’

Teachings of an apricot tree

I opened my eyes to the splendor of the apricot tree

He had blossomed that night, in secret, for me

And offered his gift with an open heart
With no fear that I will only tear it apart.

So I looked out the window and wished I could smile

But all I could hear was your voice for a while

Talking and scheming, making plans in the garden

Things to do when I'm gone and I won't be a burden.

I wished I could be your apricot tree

To blossom my love for you to see

And offer my gift with an open heart

With no fear that you'll eventually tear it apart.