The pearl

Today I decided to do one thing differently,

something radical:

and that one thing is to reach out,

ask for what I need

and refrain from deeming myself weak

for being vulnerable,

in fact, I refrain for deeming myself anything

other than utterly human.

And what I need is this:

human touch,

human connection,

support,

encouragement

and kindness.

Yes, I do offer myself all these things.

I began with small sips,

just enough to push onward

through all the self hatred.

Then, one night, I took a bite,

a big bite,

and everything shifted inside;

I broke myself open to

receive my own love and support.

Yet, being self sufficient is but an illusion,

a nice and warm cocoon I weaved around myself

so I would never ever depend

on another human again

EVER

and I learned to be compassionate

to the Hurt One, to her endearing struggle

to control everything

and to push everyone away.

At some point, everything is bound to fall apart

as I learn to rise, to stand my ground,

to show myself as I am

in my paradoxical humanity

my broken heartiness

that is also my whole heartiness.

And as they do fall apart, like all things do,

I learn to bend

and to lean upon another for support,

to lean without clinging.

As I do this, something shifts inside,

imperceptible at first,

like a soft whisper

telling me that fear is safe,

that there is an awesome power

hidden in my vulnerability

disguised as weakness.

Than, louder and louder,

like a bolt of lightning,

illuminating my dark night of the soul.

It sings out:

'Yes, yes,

you are defenseless,

and that makes you angry.

But I am here for you,

I can hold you, and your rage

and everything you are.

It's alright, it's all ok.

You are held.

You are loved.

You are worthy.

Accept your defenselessness

and you shall be released.

Fear and anger will still be here

But you will be free of their grip.'

So here I am today,

angry and hurt,

afraid and lonely,

still caught up in old patterns

unable or unwilling still to let go,

with tears in my eyes

and thorns in the soles of my feet

I have walked for a thousand miles,

through the desert to come here

hungry and thirsty,

weak and vulnerable.

I have sailed stormy waters

with my fear of drowning,

lured here by a mermaid song,

I learned to swim

so I can reach this shore today

and just stand here naked

to tell you, this is me.

I have come to show you this pearl I found

at the bottom of the sea

I have carried this precious pearl

through the wicked forest

and up the ruthless mountain;

it is the quintessence of all your dreams,

your incessant seeking,

your running and becoming,

your longing and yearning.

It holds your birth song and your mourning song

and all the songs in between,

it holds your core and your purpose,

it holds all questions and all answers

Isn't it pretty? Isn't it terrifying?

It is yours, I give it to you.

Will you dare receive it?

No, I don't ask for anything in return

there are no fees, no conditions,

no strings attached, no expectations

no hidden costs to pay,

no mission to accomplish

no higher requirements.

But there is a catch.

Once you receive the gift of love,

you can never go back

to your empty pearl-less shell.

I reach out to you today,

I ask for support

and assume that it might not come,

that I might be faced, once more

with my darkest fears,

those of facing my deepest wounds:

to be hurt,

to be rejected,

to be humiliated and shamed,

to be denied,

to be abandoned,

to be separated,

when all I long for is

to just be.

Be that as it may, I reach out today

and ask of you what I ask of me:

see me!

listen to me!

receive my gift!

I ask of you as my children ask of me,

as I asked of my parents,

as they have asked of theirs.

I ask of you not so that I receive

but so that I learn to be,

to just be vulnerable.

I ask of you so you may learn too,

be it offering that you need to learn,

or be it you need to learn to refuse.

In your response lies your offering nonetheless.

You may receive my gift of asking

and with it, receive my pearl,

or you may chose to withdraw

to deny, to blame, to pursue, to judge,

to criticize, to invade, to hurt,

to abandon, to run, to humiliate,

to defend, to preach,

or to just ignore.

Whatever you decide today,

My heart is made up.

Here is my hand.

Here is my heart.

Here is my frailty.

Here is my request.

Here is my offering.

Will you receive?